So, in case you're wondering if this has suddenly become a movie blog... let's get back to the music, shall we? The main song on the "Life as a House" soundtrack is Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now." I think that song is featured in almost as many movies as "Clair de Lune" which was previously featured on my blog. I wonder if there are any other songs that can possibly compare to these two songs in their emotional resonance with me no matter where I am in my life.
I feel as if I've seen everything from 'both sides now' and maybe it fits me so perfectly because of the bipolar aspect of my nature but... every time I hear this song I want to weep at the dual nature of everything in life. I am amazed at the beautiful simplicity of how she begins with looking at the clouds and goes from reminiscing about imagining shapes in the clouds as a child but then her viewpoint changes and the clouds just become a road block - something between her and the sunny dreams of a more naive girl she once was.
"So many things I would've done, but clouds got in my way..." That line used to haunt me as I thought about all the dreams I'd made and abandoned with each passing year of my life. I have always hated my endless ambition coupled with such a lack of self-discipline. This is the real tragedy of my life: so much potential and promise and yet I feel like I have so little to show for it all. Maybe that is me being too harsh on myself and yet... *shrug* I've seen clouds from both sides and still I can't decide what's truth and what's illusion.
Then, she sees both sides of Love. Sometimes I think I am one of the most qualified people alive to speak to the duality of Love. I have felt the most amazing heights of passion and the deepest darkest depths of sadness with the same lover in the same hour. That is not even an exaggeration. Still, do I even do justice to my own memories of Love? Do I remember the truth as it transpired or do I remember it the way I wanted it to be or the way my depression made me perceive it to be? It's so hard to tell and it's impossible to know.
"Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels. The dizzy dancing way you feel as every fairy tale comes real: I've looked at love that way..."
Will I ever look at Love that way again? I worry that I may not be able to anymore. Or more accurately, I know I never will feel the same way I did again and although I know that I'll probably be healthier for it, I am worried about how my addicted heart will handle "emotional rehab." You see, I have always been a bit of a love addict. I have always surpassed normal, happy-in-love and gone straight to 'strung-out and obsessed' love. It is dizzy and dancing and when you get your fix it's like nothing else in the world but... no one can keep that up. No one can be expected to supply you with an endless dose of passionate, romantic, mind-blowing love. And when the stash runs dry......... there are no words to describe the desperation and despair.
So, is it Life's illusions that I recall? Do I really not know Life at all?
Maybe Joni was really onto something here. Do any of us really know anything about life? Maybe it's enough to recall the illusions of our lives. Maybe, when we come to the end, all that will matter is the impressions that life left upon us. Maybe love and life and the clouds aren't meant to be understood or analyzed. I liked clouds a lot better when I didn't understand the geology behind them.
All I know now is that I need to find a way to get into words my love experiences... in particular, my most recent relationship before the one I am currently in now. I don't know if I can try and say "what I've learned" because that's bull shit. All I can do is present the facts and my feelings to the best of my ability and if someone else can learn something from them... great. But I need to get the words out. There was just so much that happened and listening to Joni Mitchell on repeat just isn't enough.
Do ya'll out there have any songs that you listen to over and over again when you just can't find any other way to release the pain, anguish, or passion inside? Share them here with me!
Untill next time, this is Megs promising to write from now on every Monday. I can handle a once a week commitment, yes? Wish me luck and keep listening to the tunes that make you feel something real.
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