It's Really All About Power... and Secrets...

I'm reading a new book called Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity and I can't help but laugh to myself and say, "hey, I guess I don't have to write it now, someone else already did."

Seriously, it's a very well-written account that I think speaks to all women on some level. It's not really about sex. It's about that raw, aching need to feel needed - to feel lovable - that drove this particular teen/young woman to seek comfort from men in the wrong way. But it's more than just the need, it's also about the power. I love that the author doesn't shy away from admitting that sex is power and that by choosing to give herself freely to boys of her choosing she was really trying to feel like she had some power over them... she could let them insider her or not.

While reading this book I keep finding myself thinking of that song "Dirty Little Secret" by The All American Rejects. I seriously loved this song in college. Well, I still love this song. It's one of those tunes that can instantly transport me back in time whenever I catch it on the radio. I could be driving to work or the mall and BOOM... I hear this song and it's like I'm walking down Campus Walk with my iPod blaring and a sneaky little smirk on my lips as I think about the lyrics to this song and how they make me feel......powerful.

It took me a minute to decide how exactly I felt but there it is: powerful. Just as the girl in my new book tried desperately to feel in control of her life by using her sexual power over the boys in her life, I also spent so much time getting high of the rush of the powerful feeling that comes from attracting and fighting to keep male attention. It's a humbling thing to admit this.

I used to believe I was so much better than all these girls who lured boys in with their shorts skirts and suggestive comments but then held out until they could call themselves someone's "girlfriend." I thought, 'what's the point? He's still gonna leave you as soon as he's bored... why not just call it what it is?' I guess I figured that as long as I could convince myself and everyone else that the sex, the partying, etc. were all on MY terms then that meant that I had the power. Somehow I convinced myself that I had taken ownership of my own sexual destiny and therefore none of these boys had any power over me. I suppose for awhile that was true. I wasn't a constant ball of need like the girl in this book. I felt like fucking Superwoman... although, that could just be the mania talking.

Bipolar makes things just a little bit more complicated. It's like, if I ever write my memoirs, every young girl who reads them will have to remember that it's all with a 'grain of salt' so to speak. It's a very large, looming, manic-depressive grain of salt. I was never just a product of divorce college-aged female looking for love in all the wrong places. That story is actually too simple to explain me. I was proudly dancing on top of washing machines with a handle of vodka in one hand one weekend and then perhaps just days or hours later I could be listening to depressing songs on repeat and scribbling away in my journal about how lonely and desolate the world really is... and maybe that doesn't sound that extreme. There are those who have had it way worse than me, that's for sure.

But let's get back to "Dirty Little Secret," shall we? I think I'll even listen to it just to remind myself of the feeling. Ah, there it is, those opening chords and that incessant drum beat and then the lyrics something like:

"when we live such fragile lives, it's the best way we survive

going around a time or two, just to waste my time with you..."

So, was I the dirty little secret? Were the guys I hooked-up with my secrets? Well, at such a small college it was really impossible to have ANYONE be a secret LOL. But sometimes things don't come out right away. Sometimes, there's that added little thrill at walking home alone knowing that if anyone is out and they see you they'll know for sure that this is a sure fire 'walk of shame' but will they know with whom you were wasting your time?

I guess this song really makes me think about the last couple weeks of couple before graduation. Something really changed for me after the "100 Days Till Graduation" Casino Night celebration. That night, I thought that my date was finally someone who would actually want something more from me than just a college hook-up. I had decided to let myself care. I was quickly reminded why I did not care. Caring is messy. Caring equals disappointment and pain. So, what's a girl to do? Jump back into the fray with full force was my answer. It was a very potent combination of 'omg, I'm almost done with college' and 'see, this is what happens when you let down your guard!'

So, I went back to playing things by guys' rules. I had some friends - guy friends even, if you'll believe that - who asked me point blank why I didn't think I deserved better. Why wasn't I holding out for something more?

"I just wanna have some fun," I said. "Listen, college is almost over and then we all go off to the real world and this just becomes a memory of crazy times. I want to always know that I did whatever I wanted when I had the chance before I have to be a grown-up. So, don't worry about me, OK?"

Sure sounds like I had it all figured out, right?

So... what the fuck happened? LOL

Until next time, this is Megs reminding you that it's all just an exchange of power... sex, money and power. It's all the same, and try as you might, a dirty little secret never stays secret for long.

When You've Seen Both Sides of Everything...

If you've never seen the movie "Life as a House" with Kevin Kline, I must insist that you do right away. I can't even begin to explain how that movie moves me. I mean, for one, Kevin Kline is simply amazing no matter what role he's playing. Furthermore, the depth of emotion in the scope of this film is beyond compare - in my humble opinion.

So, in case you're wondering if this has suddenly become a movie blog... let's get back to the music, shall we? The main song on the "Life as a House" soundtrack is Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now." I think that song is featured in almost as many movies as "Clair de Lune" which was previously featured on my blog. I wonder if there are any other songs that can possibly compare to these two songs in their emotional resonance with me no matter where I am in my life.

I feel as if I've seen everything from 'both sides now' and maybe it fits me so perfectly because of the bipolar aspect of my nature but... every time I hear this song I want to weep at the dual nature of everything in life. I am amazed at the beautiful simplicity of how she begins with looking at the clouds and goes from reminiscing about imagining shapes in the clouds as a child but then her viewpoint changes and the clouds just become a road block - something between her and the sunny dreams of a more naive girl she once was.

"So many things I would've done, but clouds got in my way..." That line used to haunt me as I thought about all the dreams I'd made and abandoned with each passing year of my life. I have always hated my endless ambition coupled with such a lack of self-discipline. This is the real tragedy of my life: so much potential and promise and yet I feel like I have so little to show for it all. Maybe that is me being too harsh on myself and yet... *shrug* I've seen clouds from both sides and still I can't decide what's truth and what's illusion.

Then, she sees both sides of Love. Sometimes I think I am one of the most qualified people alive to speak to the duality of Love. I have felt the most amazing heights of passion and the deepest darkest depths of sadness with the same lover in the same hour. That is not even an exaggeration. Still, do I even do justice to my own memories of Love? Do I remember the truth as it transpired or do I remember it the way I wanted it to be or the way my depression made me perceive it to be? It's so hard to tell and it's impossible to know.

"Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels. The dizzy dancing way you feel as every fairy tale comes real: I've looked at love that way..."

Will I ever look at Love that way again? I worry that I may not be able to anymore. Or more accurately, I know I never will feel the same way I did again and although I know that I'll probably be healthier for it, I am worried about how my addicted heart will handle "emotional rehab." You see, I have always been a bit of a love addict. I have always surpassed normal, happy-in-love and gone straight to 'strung-out and obsessed' love. It is dizzy and dancing and when you get your fix it's like nothing else in the world but... no one can keep that up. No one can be expected to supply you with an endless dose of passionate, romantic, mind-blowing love. And when the stash runs dry......... there are no words to describe the desperation and despair.

So, is it Life's illusions that I recall? Do I really not know Life at all?

Maybe Joni was really onto something here. Do any of us really know anything about life? Maybe it's enough to recall the illusions of our lives. Maybe, when we come to the end, all that will matter is the impressions that life left upon us. Maybe love and life and the clouds aren't meant to be understood or analyzed. I liked clouds a lot better when I didn't understand the geology behind them.

All I know now is that I need to find a way to get into words my love experiences... in particular, my most recent relationship before the one I am currently in now. I don't know if I can try and say "what I've learned" because that's bull shit. All I can do is present the facts and my feelings to the best of my ability and if someone else can learn something from them... great. But I need to get the words out. There was just so much that happened and listening to Joni Mitchell on repeat just isn't enough.

Do ya'll out there have any songs that you listen to over and over again when you just can't find any other way to release the pain, anguish, or passion inside? Share them here with me!

Untill next time, this is Megs promising to write from now on every Monday. I can handle a once a week commitment, yes? Wish me luck and keep listening to the tunes that make you feel something real.