Seriously, it's a very well-written account that I think speaks to all women on some level. It's not really about sex. It's about that raw, aching need to feel needed - to feel lovable - that drove this particular teen/young woman to seek comfort from men in the wrong way. But it's more than just the need, it's also about the power. I love that the author doesn't shy away from admitting that sex is power and that by choosing to give herself freely to boys of her choosing she was really trying to feel like she had some power over them... she could let them insider her or not.
While reading this book I keep finding myself thinking of that song "Dirty Little Secret" by The All American Rejects. I seriously loved this song in college. Well, I still love this song. It's one of those tunes that can instantly transport me back in time whenever I catch it on the radio. I could be driving to work or the mall and BOOM... I hear this song and it's like I'm walking down Campus Walk with my iPod blaring and a sneaky little smirk on my lips as I think about the lyrics to this song and how they make me feel......powerful.
It took me a minute to decide how exactly I felt but there it is: powerful. Just as the girl in my new book tried desperately to feel in control of her life by using her sexual power over the boys in her life, I also spent so much time getting high of the rush of the powerful feeling that comes from attracting and fighting to keep male attention. It's a humbling thing to admit this.
I used to believe I was so much better than all these girls who lured boys in with their shorts skirts and suggestive comments but then held out until they could call themselves someone's "girlfriend." I thought, 'what's the point? He's still gonna leave you as soon as he's bored... why not just call it what it is?' I guess I figured that as long as I could convince myself and everyone else that the sex, the partying, etc. were all on MY terms then that meant that I had the power. Somehow I convinced myself that I had taken ownership of my own sexual destiny and therefore none of these boys had any power over me. I suppose for awhile that was true. I wasn't a constant ball of need like the girl in this book. I felt like fucking Superwoman... although, that could just be the mania talking.
Bipolar makes things just a little bit more complicated. It's like, if I ever write my memoirs, every young girl who reads them will have to remember that it's all with a 'grain of salt' so to speak. It's a very large, looming, manic-depressive grain of salt. I was never just a product of divorce college-aged female looking for love in all the wrong places. That story is actually too simple to explain me. I was proudly dancing on top of washing machines with a handle of vodka in one hand one weekend and then perhaps just days or hours later I could be listening to depressing songs on repeat and scribbling away in my journal about how lonely and desolate the world really is... and maybe that doesn't sound that extreme. There are those who have had it way worse than me, that's for sure.
But let's get back to "Dirty Little Secret," shall we? I think I'll even listen to it just to remind myself of the feeling. Ah, there it is, those opening chords and that incessant drum beat and then the lyrics something like:
"when we live such fragile lives, it's the best way we survive
going around a time or two, just to waste my time with you..."
So, was I the dirty little secret? Were the guys I hooked-up with my secrets? Well, at such a small college it was really impossible to have ANYONE be a secret LOL. But sometimes things don't come out right away. Sometimes, there's that added little thrill at walking home alone knowing that if anyone is out and they see you they'll know for sure that this is a sure fire 'walk of shame' but will they know with whom you were wasting your time?
I guess this song really makes me think about the last couple weeks of couple before graduation. Something really changed for me after the "100 Days Till Graduation" Casino Night celebration. That night, I thought that my date was finally someone who would actually want something more from me than just a college hook-up. I had decided to let myself care. I was quickly reminded why I did not care. Caring is messy. Caring equals disappointment and pain. So, what's a girl to do? Jump back into the fray with full force was my answer. It was a very potent combination of 'omg, I'm almost done with college' and 'see, this is what happens when you let down your guard!'
So, I went back to playing things by guys' rules. I had some friends - guy friends even, if you'll believe that - who asked me point blank why I didn't think I deserved better. Why wasn't I holding out for something more?
"I just wanna have some fun," I said. "Listen, college is almost over and then we all go off to the real world and this just becomes a memory of crazy times. I want to always know that I did whatever I wanted when I had the chance before I have to be a grown-up. So, don't worry about me, OK?"
Sure sounds like I had it all figured out, right?
So... what the fuck happened? LOL
Until next time, this is Megs reminding you that it's all just an exchange of power... sex, money and power. It's all the same, and try as you might, a dirty little secret never stays secret for long.
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