Holding On to a Distant Star...

Wow... it's been awhile. Maybe this is the only writing committment I can actually stick to. Just pick one song a day and write a little blurb about it. Since, between the two jobs I barely have any time and I'm always SO tired it probably will be utter crap writing but... at least I'm writing?

Funny how this morning I purposefully chose some pretty depressing songs on iPod while driving into work because I just felt like, "what is the POINT?" Why am I busting my ass for an institution that has made it quite clear that I have no chance for upward mobility? Why do I slave away for kids who clearly do no give a shit? Why am I always the one with a work ethic that far exceeds my paltry paycheck? Why, in a world full of struggling students and apathetic teachers can someone with my drive and determination not find a full-time teaching job?!?

These are the worries that flooded my brain and made me thank God that driving to work is something I can essentially do on mental auto-pilot. If my brain actually needed to be involved, I would've been lost or in a ditch. I think part of me wanted to end up in a ditch so that I didn't have to go to work.

The worst part is, I feel there is no one to talk to about how I'm feeling. I can't burden my boyfriend anymore especially because he worries about me enough when he's away from home AND he has his own crap going on at work. Furthermore, where did all the friends go that I used to confide in? That's a whole nother post for a whole nother day!

Finally, my iPod schuffled and sent me its own little version of a life-line. A tiny ray of hope on a dark morning drive came in the form of a Duffy song.

Have you ever heard Distant Dreamer? When I discovered that song back during last summer I thought to myself: "this is it!" This song is exactly how I feel about there being something better waiting out there. I used to jam to that song, with the windows all rolled down as I sped up to 80 mph or more on the 290 expressway. I flew by the cars and pretended it would be just as easy to fly by all my troubles. I figured, it's gotta get better than this!

I was so completely convinced that the distant star I was holding on to was within my reach. I had finally freed myself from the clutches of the past. I was living with an amazing man who loved me despite all the baggage and emotional scars. I was going to be teaching again (well substitute teaching). But somehow, it doesn't seem nearly as close anymore as it did then.

But I guess I gotta keep remembering Duffy's words, "when life gets tough, I feel like giving up... I hold on to a distant star!"

It's distant. I'm a distant dreamer. The thing that keeps people like Duffy and myself separate from everybody else is our ability to keep reaching for that star no matter how far away it may seem. I just need to remember that.